Last Sacrifice Chapter Thirty-five

I WISHED LISSA HAD unavoidable me to go take reveal an army of Strigoi. I would have entangle to a greater extent comfortable with that than what she needed to do in a flash meet with Jill to discuss the coronation. Lissa postulateed me in that location for support, as a build of go-between. I wasnt able to walk that well yet, so we waited a nonher day. Lissa seemed glad for the delay.Jill was waiting for us in a minuscular room Id neer expected to see again the parlor where Tatiana had berated me for moving in on Adrian. It had been a pretty bizarre experience at the time, seeing as Adrian and I hadnt actually been conglomerate back thereforece. Now, after every affaire that had occurred between him and me, it vindicatory felt strange. Confusing. I motionlessness didnt hump what had happened to him since Tashas arrest. Walking in there, I also felt terribly al wiz. No, non al bingle. Uninformed. Vulnerable. Jill sit down in a chair, her hands folded in her lap. Sh e stared straight ahead with an unreadable governance. Beside me, Lissas own singularitys were equally blank. She felt well, that was the social period of playction. I didnt know. I didnt know. I mean, I could give notice (of) she was uncomfortable, precisely there were no suasions in my head to tip me off. I had no specifics. Again, I reminded myself that the rest of the existence acetifyed handle this. You functioned alone. You did your best to manage strange positions with reveal the magical insight of some other someone. Id never realized how lots Id taken the conceits of thus far just one other someone for granted.The one thing I felt sure of was that both Lissa and Jill were freaked out by apiece other unless not by me. That was why I was here.Hey, Jill, I utter, smiling. How are you?She snapped out of any(prenominal) thoughts had been occupying her and jumped up from the chair. I thought that was strange, barely then it do sense. Lissa. You rose when a que en entered the room.Its okay, verbalize Lissa, stumbling everyplace her words a little. Sit. She took a seat opposite Jill. It was the biggest chair in the roomthe one Tatiana had always sat in.Jill hesitated a moment, then shifted her gaze back to me. I must have provided some encouragement because she returned to her chair. I sat in one beside Lissa, wincing as a small pain tightened in my chest. Worry for me momentarily put off Jill from Lissa.How are you feeling? Are you okay? Should you even be out of bed? The cute, rambling nature. I was glad to see it again.Fine, I lied. Good as new.I was worried. When I saw what happened I mean, there was so much blood and so much craziness and no one knew if youd pull through and through Jill frowned. I dont know. It was all so scary. Im so glad youre okay.I kept smiling, hoping to reassure her. Silence down then. The room grew tense. In political situations, Lissa was the expert, always able to smooth everything oer with the right w ords. I was the one who spoke up in uncomfortable scenarios, saying the things that shocked others. The things no one wanted to attend. This situation seemed like one that required her diplomacy, but I knew it was on me to take charge.Jill, I verbalize, we wanted to know if youd be get outing to, well, take part in the coronation ceremony.Jills look flicked briefly to Lissastill s sapidity-facedand then back to me. What does take part mean, exactly? What would I have to do?Nothing hard, I assured her. Its just some formalities that are usually done by family members. Ceremonial stuff. Like you did with the vote. I hadnt witnessed that, but Jill had apparently only had to stand by Lissas side to show family strength. Such a small thing for a law to hinge on. Mostly, its close being on display and putting on a earnest face.Well, mused Jill, Ive been doing that for most of this week.Ive been doing it for most of my life, state Lissa.Jill looked startled. Again, I felt at a loss w ithout the draw. Lissas tone hadnt made her meaning clear. Was it a challenge to Jillthat the girl hadnt faced nearly what Lissa had? Or was it supposed to be sympathy for Jills lack of experience? Youll youll get used to it, I said. Over time.Jill shook her head, a small and bitter smiling on her face. I dont know well-nigh that.I didnt either. I wasnt sure how one handled the kind of situation shed been dropped into. My mind rapidly ran through a list of more meaningless, kind things I could say, but Lissa finally took over. I know how weird this is, she said. She determinedly met Jills green eyesthe only feature the sisters shared, I decided. Jill had the makings of a future Emily. Lissa carried a mix of her parents traits. This is weird for me too. I dont know what to do.What do you want? asked Jill quietly.I heard the real question. Jill wanted to know if Lissa wanted her. Lissa had been devastated by the death of her brother but a surprise illegitimate sibling was no subst itute for Andre. I tried to imagine what it would be like to be in either girls place. I tried and failed.I dont know, admitted Lissa. I dont know what I want.Jill nodded, dropping her gaze, but not before I caught sight of the emotion playing across her face. chagrinyet, Lissas answer hadnt entirely been unexpected.Jill asked the next best thing. Do you want do you want me to be in the ceremonies?The question hung in the air. It was a good one. It was the reason wed perplex here, but did Lissa actually want this? analyze her, I still wasnt sure. I didnt know if she was just following protocol, severe to get Jill to play a role expected among kinglyty. In this case, there was no law that said Jill had to do anything. She simply had to exist.Yes, said Lissa at live on. I heard the truth in her words, and something inside of me lightened. Lissa didnt just want Jill for the sake of image. A part of Lissa wanted Jill in her lifebut managing that would be difficult. Still, it was a start, and Jill seemed to recognize that.Okay, she said. nevertheless tell me what I need to do. It occurred to me that Jills youth and nervousness were deceptive. There were sparks of bravery and boldness within her, sparks that I felt certain would grow. She really was a Dragomir.Lissa looked relieved, but I think it was because shed made a tiny rate of progress with her sister. It had nothing to do with the coronation. Someone else will explain it all. Im not really sure what you do, to be honest. But Rose is right. It wont be hard.Jill simply nodded.Thank you, said Lissa. She stood up, and both Jill and I rose with her. I I really appreciate it.That awkwardness returned as the three of us stood there. It would have been a good moment for the sisters to hug, but even though both seemed pleased at their progress, neither was ready for that. When Lissa looked at Jill, she still saw her father with another woman. When Jill looked at Lissa, she saw her life completely turned su mmit downa life once shy and private now out there for the world to gawk at. I couldnt change her fate, but hugging I could do. Heedless of my stitches, I put my blazonry around the young girl.Thanks, I said, echoing Lissa. Thisll all be okay. Youll see.Jill nodded yet again, and with no more to discuss, Lissa and I moved toward the door. Jills voice brought us to a halt. Hey what happens after the coronation? To me? To us?I glanced at Lissa. other good question. Lissa turned toward Jill but still wasnt making direct eye contact. Well well get to know each other. Thingsll get better.The smile that appeared on Jills face was genuinesmall, but genuine. Okay, she said. There was hope in that smile too. Hope and relief. Id like that.As for me, I had to hide a frown. I apparently could function without the bond because I could tell, with absolute confidence, that Lissa wasnt exactly giving the whole truth. What wasnt she telling Jill? Lissa did want things to be better, I was certain , even if she wasnt sure how. But there was something something small that Lissa wasnt revealing to either of us, something that made me think Lissa didnt actually reckon things would improve.Out of nowhere, a strange echo from Victor Dashkov rang through my mind somewhat Jill. If she has any sense, Vasilisa will send her away.I didnt know why I returned that, but it sent a chill through me. The sisters were both mustering smiles, and I hastily did as well, not wanting either to know my concerns. Lissa and I left(p) after that, heading back toward my room. My little outing had been more tiring than I expected, and as much as I hated to admit it, I couldnt wait to lie down again.When we reached my room, I still hadnt decided if I should ask Lissa about Jill or wait to get Dimitris opinion. The decision was taken from me when we constitute an unexpected visitor waiting Adrian.He sat on my bed, head tipped back as though he was completely consumed by studying the ceiling. I knew better. Hed known the instant we approachedor at least when Lissa approached.We stopped in the doorway, and he finally turned toward us. He looked like he hadnt slept in a while. Dark shadows hung under his eyes, and his cute face was hardened with lines of fatigue. Whether it was mental or physical fatigue, I couldnt say. Nonetheless, his lazy smile was the same as ever.Your majesty, he said grandly.Stop, scoffed Lissa. You should know better.Ive never known better, he countered. You should know that.I saw Lissa start to smile then she glanced at me and grew serious, realizing this was hardly lets-have-fun-with-Adrian time.Well, she said uneasily, not looking very queenly at all. Ive got some things to do. She was overtaking to bolt, I realized. Id gone with her for her family chat, but she was going to abandon me now. unspoilt as well, though. This conversation with Adrian had been inevitable, and Id brought it on myself. I had to finish this on my own, just as Id told Dimitri.I m sure you do, I said. Her face turned hesitant, as though she was suddenly reconsidering. She felt guilty. She was worried about me and wanted to stand by me. I lightly touched her arm. Its okay, Liss. Ill be okay. Go.She squeezed my hand in return, her eyes wishing me good luck. She told Adrian goodbye and left, closing the door behind her.It was just him and me now. He stayed on my bed, watch me carefully. He still wore the smile hed given Lissa, like this was no big deal. I knew otherwise and made no attempts to hide my feelings. Standing still made me tired, so I sat down in a nearby chair, nervously wondering what to say.AdrianLets start with this, little dhampir, he said cordially. Was it going on before you left Court?It took me a moment to follow that abrupt Adrian conversation format. He was intercommunicate if Dimitri and I had gotten back together before my arrest. I shook my head slowly.No. I was with you. Just you. True, Id been a mess of emotions, but my intentions had been firm.Well. Thats something, he said. Some of his pleasantness was starting to slip. I smelled it then, ever so faintly alcohol and smoke. Better some rekindling of sparks in the heat of battle or quest or whatever than you cheating right in front of me.I shook my head more desperately now. No, I swear. I didntnothing happened then not until I hesitated on how to phrase my next words. by and by? he guessed. Which makes it okay?No Of course not. I Damn it. Id screwed up. Just because I hadnt cheated on Adrian at Court didnt mean that I hadnt cheated on him later. You could phrase it however you wanted, but lets face it sleeping with another kat in a hotel room was pretty much cheating if you had a boyfriend. It didnt return if that guy was the love of your life or not.Im sorry, I said. It was the simplest and most appropriate thing I could say. Im sorry. What I did was wrong. I didnt mean for it to happen. I thought I really thought he and I were done. I was with you. I wanted to be with you. And then, I realized thatNo, nostop. Adrian held up a hand, his voice tight now as his cool facade continued to crumble. I really do not want to hear about the great revelation you had about how you guys were always meant to be together or whatever it was.I stayed silent because, well, that kind of had been my revelation.Adrian ran a hand through his hair. Really, its my fault. It was there. A hundred times there. How often did I see it? I knew. It kept happening. Over and over, youd say you were through with him and over and over, Id believe it no liaison what my eyes showed me. No matter what my message told me. My. Fault.It was that slightly unhinged ramblingnot that nervous kind of Jills, but the unstable kind that worried me about how close he was getting to the process of insanity. An edge I might very well be pushing him toward. I wanted to go over to him but had the sense to stay seated.Adrian, II loved you he yelled. He jumped up out of his chair so quickly I never saw it coming. I loved you, and you destroyed me. You took my heart and ripped it up. You might as well have staked me The change in his features also caught me by surprise. His voice fill up the room. So much grief, so much anger. So unlike the usual Adrian. He strode toward me, hand clasped over his chest. I. Loved. You. And you used me the whole time. No, no. Its not true. I wasnt afraid of Adrian, but in the face of that emotion, I found myself cringing. I wasnt using you. I loved you. I still do, butHe looked disgusted. Rose, come on.I mean it I do love you. Now I stood up, pain or no, trying to look him in the eye. I always will, but were not I dont think we work as a couple.Thats a bullshit breakup line, and you know it.He was kind of right, but I thought back to moments with Dimitri how well we worked in sync, how he always seemed to get exactly what I felt. I meant what Id said I did love Adrian. He was wonderful, in spite of all his flaws. Because, r eally, who didnt have flaws? He and I had fun together. There was affection, but we werent matched in the way Dimitri and I were.Im not Im not the one for you, I said weakly.Because youre with another guy?No, Adrian. Because I dont. I dont know. I dont I was fumbling, badly. I didnt know how to explain what I felt, how you could care about someone and love hanging out with thembut still not work as a couple. I dont balance you like you need.What the hell does that mean? he exclaimed.My heart ached for him, and I was so sorry for what Id done but this was the truth of it all. The fact that you have to ask says it all. When you find that person youll know. I didnt add that with his history, hed probably have a number of false starts before finding that person. And I know this sounds like another bullshit breakup line, but I really would like to be your friend.He stared at me for several heavy seconds and then laughedthough there wasnt much humor in it. You know whats great? Youre serious. Look at your face. He gestured, as though I actually could get word myself. You really think its that easy, that I bath sit here and watch your happy ending. That I keister watch you getting everything you want as you lead your charmed life.Charmed The guilt and sympathy war within me got a little kick of anger. Hardly. Do you know what Ive gone through in the last year? Id watched Mason die, fought in the St. Vladimirs attack, been captured by Strigoi in Russia, and then lived on the run as a wanted murderess. That didnt sound charmed at all.And yet, here you are, triumphant after it all. You survived death and freed yourself from the bond. Lissas queen. You got the guy and your blithely ever after.I turned my back to him and stalked away. Adrian, what do you want me to say? I can apologize forever, but theres nothing else I can do here. I never wanted to impairment you I cant say that enough. But the rest? Do you really expect me to be sad about everything else hav ing worked out? Should I wish I was still I was accused of murder?No, he said. I dont want you to suffer. Much. But the next time youre in bed with Belikov, stop a moment and remember that not everyone made out as well as you did.I turned back to face him. Adrian, I neverNot just me, little dhampir, he added quietly. Theres been a lot of collateral alter along the way while you battled against the world. I was a victim, obviously. But what about Jill? What happens to her now that youve abandoned her to the royal wolves? And Eddie? Have you thought about him? And wheres your Alchemist? Every word he slung at me was an arrow, piercing my heart more than the bullets had. The fact that hed referred to Jill by her name instead of Jailbait carried an extra hurt. I was already toting plenty of guilt about her, but the others well, they were a mystery. Id heard rumors about Eddie but hadnt seen him since my return. He was clear of Jamess death, but killing a Moroiwhen others still thought he might have been brought in alivecarried a heavy stigma. Eddies prior insubordination thanks to mealso damned him, even if it had all been for the greater good. As queen, Lissa could only do so much. The guardians served the Moroi, but it was customary for the Moroi to step back and let the guardians manage their own people. Eddie wasnt being dismiss or imprisoned but what assignment would they give him? Hard to say.Sydney she was an even greater mystery. Wheres your Alchemist? The goings- on of that crowd were beyond me, beyond my world. I remembered her face that last time Id seen her, back in the hotelstrong but sad. I knew she and the other Alchemists had been released since then, but her expression had said she wasnt out of trouble yet.And Victor Dashkov? Where did he cope with in? I wasnt sure. Evil or not, he was still someone whod suffered as a dissolving agent of my actions, and the events surrounding his death would stay with me forever.Collateral damage. Id brou ght down a lot of people with me, intentionally or no. But, as Adrians words continued sinking into me, one of them suddenly gave me pause.Victim, I said slowly. Thats the release between you and me.Huh? Hed been watching me closely while Id considered the fates of my friends and was caught off guard now. What are you talking about?You said you were a victim. Thats why thats why ultimately, you and I arent matched for each other. In spite of everything thats happened, Ive never thought of myself that way. universe a victim means youre powerless. That you wont take action. Always always Ive done something to fight for myself for others. No matter what.Id never seen such outrage on Adrians face. Thats what you think of me? That Im lazy? Powerless?Not exactly. But I had a feeling that after this conversation, he would run off to the comfort of his cigarettes and alcohol and maybe whatever female company he could find.No, I said. I think youre amazing. I think youre strong. But I d ont think youve realized itor learned how to use any of that. And, I wanted to add, I wasnt the person who could inspire that in him.This, he said, moving toward the door, was the last thing I expected. You destroy my life and then feed me inspirational philosophy.I felt horrible, and it was one of those moments where I wished my mouth wouldnt just blurt out the first thing on my mind. Id learned a lot of controlbut not kind of enough.Im just telling you the truth. Youre better than this better than whatever it is youre going to do now. Adrian rested his hand on the doorknob and gave me a rueful look. Rose, Im an addict with no work ethic whos likely going to go insane. Im not like you. Im not a superhero.Not yet, I said.He scoffed, shook his head, and opened the door. Just before leaving, he gave me one more backward glance. The contracts null and void, by the way.I felt like Id been slapped in the face. And in one of those rare moments, Rose Hathaway was rendered speechless. I h ad no witty quips, no elaborate explanations, and no profound insight.Adrian left, and I wondered if Id ever see him again.